An important part of getting assistance from any agency is finding the one that has the right knowledge and experience. Many women who have been involved in unfair or abusive relationships have not always found the advice they have been given by family, friends and helping agencies useful. Some have had their ability and confidence to make a decision lessened by their contact with some inexperienced agencies. So what happens if you are in an abusive or unfair relationship and you want to reach out for help and advice? How would you know that the person (advocate) or agency you talk to is the right one? Here are a few simple guidelines. How many young women in your situation has this person talked to before? Does the person you're talking to listen to what you're saying without over-riding or second guessing you? Does the advocate make sure that you know it's your partner's behaviour that is the problem, not you? Does this advocate make you feel like you are capable of helping yourself? Does this advocate make you feel comfortable when you talk about your feelings for your partner? (These feelings may include love, hate and anger.) Has this advocate checked you are physically safe? (Experienced advocates know there is always a risk that a controlling unfair partner can become physically abusive.) Does this advocate know the "protection laws" of this country? Does this advocate know who are the experienced family court lawyers that would be good to use if you are in danger from your partner? Is this advocate picking up on where you are in the process of working out what to with this relationship? (An inexperienced worker may make suggestions that you feel completely unable to do at this point.) Do you want to contact this advocate again? Has this advocate made you feel less confused, less blamed and more able to work out what to do? If you answer more than 2 of these questions with a NO, try and find another advocate.   NOTE!!!!! An advocate is someone who works with women to achieve respectful relationships and leave disrespectful relationships. REMEMBER, THESE GUIDELINES ARE NOT FOOL PROOF. THESE GUIDELINES GIVE YOU A GOOD SHOT AT FINDING THE RIGHT HELP FOR YOU. An experienced advocate will strongly advise you on safety plans if she feels you are at risk of being hurt or killed. Some inexperienced counsellors will make you feel better because they allowed you to talk. An experienced advocate may not make you feel better because you are in a very difficult and painful situation. However, she will assist you to make decisions about either getting back power in your relationship, working out if your partner will change or not, and if your partner does not change, taking steps to leave in safety. PLACES TO CONTACT: National Women's Refuge Safer Family Foundation P.O. Box 33582 Takapuna, Auckland Advocacy and general enquires: 09 488 9167 Crisis line for women experiencing abuse or at risk of abuse: 09 410 6736 Safer Families Violence Prevention Network: 09 488 0823 Auckland Women's Centre 09 376 3227 P.O. Box 78 271 Grey Lynn, Auckland. Refuge workers can often have useful advice for young women who don't feel respected in their relationships. Every major city or area has a refuge and should have their phone number in your phone book. North Shore Women's Centre: 09 444 4618 North Harbour Living Without Violence: 09 489 3770 West Auckland's Women Centre: 09 838 6381 Domestic Violence Centre: 09 303 3939 Women's Resource Centre (Warkworth): 09 425 7261 If you are not in the Auckland area, ring your local Women's Centre which should be listed in your local telephone book. USEFUL LINKS: The Domestic Violence & Incest Resource Centre (DVIRC) Melbourne, Australia When Love Hurts website.