Lucky, 22, Wellington
I was in an abusive relationship and like anyone who has ever been in one always
forgave him thinking it would never happen again but it did and every time
the abuse got worse. The funny thing about it is the first time he said
he loved me was right after the first time he abused me. He was always
jealous and accusing me of cheating and lying when the whole time he was
the one. He even wanted to get me pregnant so he could trap me. It's hard
to let go of someone you love.
What helped me survive was my family and friends. They sat me down and helped
me realize that love is patient and kind. Love doesn't hurt people and him
hitting me was not love but abuse. Being with him lowered my confidence in
myself and I had to get it back. I also met a guy who treated me like the queen
that I am and showed me what love really is and was patient with me and understood
why I put walls up sometimes with him. He respected me in every way and that
is something I never thought I'd find. The way I got free of the relationship
is I left and came home where I would be surrounded by people who not only
told me they loved me but showed me as well.
Clare, 16, Waitoki
I think disrespectful boyfriends or partners are people who abuse their girlfriends,
emotionally or physically by manipulation and using guilt trips.
A respectful relationship is a loving relationship, (not one loving the other
more otherwise it's adoration not a normal relationship). Both people should
be in the relationship for the right reasons, not in it for the physical side
only. Both people should be comfortable with the stage you are at and that
your are not moving too fast.
Disrespectful boyfriends tend to sulk and not talk to you when you do something
that they don't agree with. Also their jealousy is soooo annoying, they take
any other guy you talk to as a threat.
Yes and no to whether you can pick a respectful or disrespectful boyfriend.
If the guy is really confident/up themselves we see this as a sign of possible
disrespect, because they are the kind of people to twist the relationship so
it's all about them. But if they seem really genuine and are more your friend
than possible boyfriend you tend to trust them more. Even if you end up going
out with them you don't even think that they would be anything but respectful.
Cathy, 16, Torbay
I think respect is very important. It is the basis of a successful relationship.
Respect is being kind, listening to the partner. Disrespectful equals lying,
manipulating, cheating, emotionally abusing your partner, physically abusing
your partner, laughing at your partner. Some are disrespectful because
they think they wont lose you, so they act how they want.
I don't think you can pick a disrespectful partner because people can change,
looks can be deceiving.
Angela, 17, Auckland
Respect is not taking advantage of someone you care about showing your significant
other how you want to be treated. Disrespect is taking advantage of the
person you are with. It is doing something that you know is wrong and you
always feel bad about it later. It is taking all and not giving anything
in return.
Anonymous, 18, Auckland
A respectful partner would be making me feel good about
myself - being myself not having to pretend, making
me feel special/cared
about. A disrespectful
partner would; not keeping promises; lying, pretending;
being arrogant; not being serious when I am. You can
pick a respectful
partner by the way
they talk, their actions - good mannered…how they
are with their close friends/not close friends and their
attitude
to life.
Abby, 16, Australia
I consider a respectful relationship, where there is a lot of communication.
You can take it slowly and everyone agrees of what to do, and what level
to go to, you both have to agree to it. People who are respectful are so
because they care about people and are willing to go at the other person's
pace. Disrespectful people are people who think they are the best and want
to have their own way.
Nina, 28, Tamaki
Men are really nice before they get you in the sack. A woman should wait roughly
6 weeks before falling heads over heels, because up till then men only
show their best sides.
If someone cares for you, s/he wouldn't be flirting with anyone else at all.
If someone cares for you, s/he love you just the way you are: mentally and
physically, and actually finds you very attractive.
Disrespect involves making, then breaking promises on a regular basis, flirting,
not paying you 'enough' attention. Being dishonest, mysterious. Language -
listen to how they talk about women, their mothers - are they reflected in
good or bad light? Run away if the 'ex' factor crops up a lot in conversation.
It's a good idea to find out about potential partner's romantic past - are
there any repeated bad habits or behaviour in there? They are likely to repeat
bad habits such as unfaithfulness. Don't jump into a rebound relationship -
especially with someone who's just broken up for a month.. or if you have,
and are feeling particularly vulnerable. Don't go from one relationship into
another without health pauses for self-growth and enlightenment. How else do
you learn to get into a better relationship for the next time?